Make your own free website on Tripod.com

Street Performance Central

Car Humor

Street P.C. Home
For Sale:
Vehicle Performance Page
Proj. Bossy 70'
Proj. Area 55'
Proj. Laughing Gas
Proj. S-Dime
Car Collection
Car Humor
Tech Terms
Favorite Links
Contact

Just a little car humor.

Marketing Flops

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

 

Accident Excuses

Following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempt to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

  1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  2. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  4. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  5. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  6. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  7. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  8. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  10. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  11. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  12. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  13. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
  14. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
  16. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
  17. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  18. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, but it still hit my front end.

 

Bumper Stickers

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.

I Love Cats, they taste just like Chicken.

Cats Flattened While You Watch.

I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.

Shave the Whales.

I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.

Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...

Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home

I'm OK. You're So-So.

Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco

Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Black Holes Suck.

Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers

 

You need a new car when . . .

- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.


- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.


- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.


- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."


- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

 

The Blonde Learned It

Joe was quite irritated when his blonde wife, Cindy, told him that a car had back into her's, damaging the fender, and she had failed to get the license number.

"Well, honey, what kind of car was it?" asked Joe.

"I don't know," confessed Cindy. "I've never been able to tell one make of car from another."

Hearing this, Joe decided the time had come for him to give Cindy a course in indentifying cars. For the next several days, whenever he and Cindy were out driving together, he made her identify each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

Joe's course worked. A week later, Cindy bounded into Joe's office, beaming from ear to ear. "Darling, I just hit a Chevy," she announced.

 

Grouchy License Picture

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

 

Think if People act w/Cars like they do w/Computers

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
---------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"

 

Car Trouble

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.

One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm sitting inside the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "Oh, it's in here with me."

 

The Company Car

Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks,
concrete slabs and other building material.
Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the
radio.
It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with
the keys in the ignition.

 

Old Women

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman on her right and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Holy Crap! Am I driving?"

 

Very Fast

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.

"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver, who was 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.

"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

 

Acronyms

ACURA
Always Crumbling Under Real Acceleration
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile
A Car Under Recall Action

AMC
All Makes Combined
A Mutated Car
Another Major Catastrophe

AUDI
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BEETLE
Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine

BMW
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Bought My Wife
Break My Windows
Break My Windshield
Bring Many Wrenches
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet

Behold My Wealth

BUICK
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King
Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CADILLAC
Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars

CHEVROLET
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
Crappy Hot-running Engines, Valves Rattling On, Losing Every Time

CHRYSLER
Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's

CHEVY
Cheapest Heap Ever Viewed Yet
Cruddy Hick Engine, Very Yucky

DATSUN
Don't Always Trust Stupid Unreliable Nips
Disgracful Auto That Stalls UNceasingly

DODGE
Dead On Delivery Gas Eater
Drips Oil Drops, Grease Everywhere
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery - Go Easy
Driven Only During Grey Evenings

EDSEL
Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT
Failure In Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Foolish Italians Attempt at Transportation
Fix It Again, Tony!
Found In A Trench
Fails In Attempted Turns
Friggin' Italians Ain't Trustworthy

FORD
Fastest On Road, Duh!
First On Race Day
Fastest Of Racing Devices
Found On Redneck's Driveway

Found on Road Dead

GEO
Good Engineering Overlooked

GM
General Maintenance
Generally Misunderstood
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Gluteus Maximus

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Generally Mediocre Cars
Got More Crap?
Got Mechanic Coming?
Gods Mechanical Curse
Get More Chicks

GTO
Get Tools Out

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Driver Anything else
How Odd-No Damn Acceleration
Heck Of A Nice Darn Automobile
Heavily Overpriced Non Domestic Automobile
Hand Over New Dollars to Asians

HYUNDAI
How Your Usual Nerd Drives An Import
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

IROC
I Run Over Children
I'd Rather Own a Corvette
Id rather own a Chevette
Italian Retard Out Cruising
I Reek Of Cologne
Its Really Only a Camaro
It's Really Only Crap
I Roll On Corners
Im Really Out of Cash

JEEP
Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engines, Engineered Poorly
Junk Electrical and Emissions Parts
Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole.
Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts
Jumps Everything Ever Parked
JUST Enough Engine Power?
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

KIA
Killed In Accident

LOTUS
Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Around

MERCEDES
Most Eccentric Rich Capitalists Enjoy Driving Expensive Sedans
Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings

MITSUBISHI
Mostly Inexperienced Teenagers Souping Up Bashed-In Sedans Having Inline-4s
Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments, Sometimes Halfway Incomplete

MOPAR
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Move Over, Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars

NISSAN
Nine Idiots Standing, Saying Absolutly Nothing
Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense
Now In Some Shitty Automobile Nightmare
Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon
Never In Synch Screeching Awful Noises
Needs Imminent Salvage So Abandon Now

Nismo is Stupid Shit Amateurs Need

OLDS
Oil Leak, Dead Starter

OLDSMOBILE
Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything.
Obese Losers Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every Day

PINTO
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
Put In New Transmission Often

PONTIAC
Poor Old Ninny Thinks Its A Cadillac
Puts Out Noxious Toxins In All Cities
People On Narcotics Think It's A Chevy
Pull Over Now, The Injectors Are Cooked

PORSCHE
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continuously High Expense
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Probably Obtained Recently Since Car-owner Hocked Everything
Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions
Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine
Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
Pathetic Or Really Stupid Car for Home and is Expensive
Push Our Real Sh*t Car Home Everyday

PEUGEOT
Poorly Engineered, Useless Gas Eating Obnoxious Toilet

RENAULT
Rabid European Nitwits Always Use Lame Transportation
Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Such An Arrogant Bastard
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
Swedish Automobile Always Broken
Swedish Automobiles Are Beastly
Swedish Automobiles Are Best
Slow And Always Busted
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Saabs Are Always Broken
Some Accessory Always Broken

SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple A
Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All
Take Only Your Ordure To America

TRIUMPH
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
Trembling Ride, Intrusive Undercarriage, Meekly Powered Hotrod.

VOLKSWAGEN
Very Obese Losers Knowingly Suffer With All German Engineered Nonsense

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless
Very Whimpy
Very Whiney

If you have anything funny that would be a good addition to this page...send it to StreetPC in an email!

ricecitation.jpg